I can't even believe how "wrong" this morning has gone.
It started with me waking up naturally at about 8. This is good. I continued to lay in bed for about 30 minutes, because I didn't hear Coco yet. At 8:30 Hector woke to shower before work. We got Cohen out of his room, he was stirring. I hugged him and found immediately that his pjs were soaked in urine. As were his sheets. I guess my decision to leave him in his regular diaper (that was bone dry) rather than putting on a night time diaper, backfired on me. I took him to the shower with Daddy for a rinse.
I started bacon and eggs while they were showering. Then Hector yelled that Cohen was ready, so I went to grab him and diaper/dress him. Finished that, first pan of bacon: borderline burned. Started next batch, whisked some eggs. 2nd batch better. Scrambled the eggs. No clean pans to heat up tortillas. Mini-meltdown because our kitchen rivaled something you'd see on Hoarders. But I washed a pan, and Hector graciously heated tortillas while I fixed Cohen's plate. Then Hector poured us each a glass of apple juice. Now, about..two months ago, we were both pretty tired of washing sippy cups and straws and valves and pieces. And Hector made the executive decision that Cohen would be fine with cups with no lids. And he'll own up to this decision. So we tossed them. Today, Hector sat Cohen's juice on the high chair and told him "Be very careful, ok?" "Ok, daddy." :) We sit to eat, no big deal. Cohen reaches for his fork... Elbow comes in perfect contact with his cup, spills it all down his front. Soaks his shirt, his shorts, his diaper, the cushion on the high chair, runs down his leg and starts puddling on the carpet. And apple juice is sticky. Shouting, from me. And an apologetic look from Hector, because he knows that is partly (mostly) his fault.
So, I cleaned it up and we finished eating. Hector left for work. Then I got Cohen down and changed his clothes and diaper. He went on to begin dragging out all of his cars and sports toys. I started cleaning the kitchen and loading dishwasher. Then Cohen found a half of a snicker bar that he and I had shared last night. I left him get a bite, but he took the world's largest bite. So I sat near him in the living room while he worked on chewing it. All the while bits of chocolate and peanut falling into the carpet. I semi scolded him on why we don't take big bites like that. Then he starts crawling to his cars and I guess opens his mouth, because a huge chunk/drip of chocolatey saliva falls to the carpet. Then another drip. Down his chin to his white tank top. Now I yell again. Something about "why did you do that? See what big bites do? Can you go 2 minutes without making more messes??!"
I grab him a new shirt, change him. Then I start putting the movie Cars in, in hopes that he'll sit for a few minutes and watch it. I hear him say that he'd like a drink of water, but don't think much of it. Until I hear him say "uh oh! Spill it!" I turned around and he'd gotten the lid off a bottle of water an KNOCKED it over on the carpet! Half had poured out by the time I grabbed it. Spanking and yelling. He didn't cry, just looked at me surprised and silent. I scooped him up and sat him on the couch while I cleaned up the new water puddle.
He's just sitting quietly on the couch, watching me. And I grabbed the remote to actually play the movie, as it was on the menu screen. And my tears started coming. I was so frustrated that one small being could make so many messes in one hour. Frustrated that I was by myself to deal with it all. Frustrated that Cohen does not grasp how to be careful. Frustrated at myself that I could lose my cool with my sweet son so quickly. Sad that he was sitting quietly on the couch, wondering what was wrong with Mommy.
And I recognized immediately that this was Satan, interfering in my day. Trying to make me feel like an incompetent mom. Trying to hurt my relationship with my boy, by me being angry with him and yelling. Pushing me away from The Lord and into situations that fill me with despair. And I think back to that 30 minutes when I was awake, before Cohen and how I chose to lay quietly in the peace, instead of picking up my devotional journal and Bible. Man, had I just started my day with a little quiet time and Jesus, how would things have been different? My heart would have been more calm and my mind would have been more patient to interact with my son. So I went and read my "Jesus Calling" devo for today.
"Come to me. Come to me. Come to me. This is my continual invitation to you, proclaimed in holy whispers. When your heart and mind are quiet, you can hear Me inviting you to draw near. Coming close to Me requires no great effort on your part; it is more like ceasing to resist the magnetic pull of My Love. Open yourself to My loving Presence, so that I may fill you with My fullness. I want you to experience how wide and long and high and deep is My Love for you, so that you can know My Love that surpasses knowledge. This vast ocean of Love cannot be measured or explained, but it can be experienced."
This book, you guys... I just can't explain. It is the most divinely written words I've read in a long time. I truly believe Sarah Young's words were inspired by The Lord. Each day that I read it, it winds up being exactly what I needed to hear that exact day.
I read the words, read the scripture, and prayed over what I'd read. I asked Cohen to come sit with me and I asked him to please forgive me for losing patience with him and told him how sorry I was. He doesn't quite understand but said, "it's ok Mommy! So sorry mommy!" That's all I needed to hear. We agreed to try and have a fun day together and be careful to avoid messes.
It also makes me appreciate everything. I'm glad we even had juice to spill. A snicker bar to take a too-big bite of. A bottle of clean, drinkable water. Carpet to walk on in our shelter..our apartment. Sometimes I get so darn caught up in what goes "wrong" or what we don't have, that I forget to see all that we have. To God be the Glory!
I'm sad that our day began the way it did, but so glad The Lord helped me recognize it early, and take steps to rectify it. Thank you, Jesus.
